


All The Things Between You and Me

by iRememberTheDark



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Universe, F/M, Friendship, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, Romance, Unresolved Romantic Tension, very slight manga spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28191984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iRememberTheDark/pseuds/iRememberTheDark
Summary: In most situations, Mikasa takes what she can get, especially where Eren, her...her...whatever he was to her, was concerned, and she was more than willing to let that pattern continue. Too bad life was so adept at kicking her out of her comfort zone."What am I to you?"Mikasa asks a simple question and the world tilts.
Relationships: Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 41
Kudos: 127





	1. Three: What am I to You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be one of my entries for Eremika week two weeks ago, but as per usual things got away from me and I can't keep a schedule. Anyway, I thought it would be cool if I wrote all the days to be apart of one story. So here is Day 3 and my Chapter 1. Please Enjoy!
> 
> Just a little FYI if this seems familiar. I posted this under my other penname on Fanfiction.net, but I have no desire to actually connect the accounts. Please enjoy!

Mikasa wanted to drown herself and burrowing into the scratchy blankets of her bed, pressing her face into the pillow as far as it would go was the best she was going to do on that front, so she supposes she’ll take what she could get.

Actually, in most situations, she takes what she can get. There were many things Mikasa wished were different, but she made the best of things as well as she could and worked to see the better side. This applied to most things in her life, including, but not limited to, eating the same thing on a daily basis.

Does she want to eat bread and potatoes everyday? No, but it was a nutritious meal that kept her body strong and her belly full which was much better than many who lived in poverty. She took it and was grateful.

Being denied sleep at times because some people didn’t know how to keep it down.

Does she want to be kept awake at night by the full conversations Sasha had in her sleep that were either with or about food (after all these years, she’s still not sure which). No, but there were times where her dreams were just a replay of that blood-streaked, rain-soaked day her parents…and she’s glad to not be in the dark alone when she woke gasping for breath. She was glad to share her room.

Of all the things she made do on, the most glaring was the relationship she had with Eren, her…her… _whatever he was to her._

Don’t get Mikasa wrong. Yes, she eagerly accepted whatever attention or, even rarer, affection he gave her, but it was enough for her! She didn’t _need_ more. She was happy just being in his life, being by his side. She had made peace a long time ago that her feelings would never be returned by him and they didn’t have to be. Really, they didn’t.

So what, _what,_ possessed her to ask him that question?

What am I to you?

_What am I to you?_

**_What am I to you?_ **

Not only is Mikasa angry at herself for letting _that_ spill from her mouth, but she’s also angry for letting her emotions get the better of her, something she swore to herself to avoid. She knew it was ridiculous to get jealous over some new recruits fawning all over him and that wasn’t even the issue. What really set her off was that whatever one of the younger girls said made him _laugh_.

Eren who was such a blank slate these days. Eren, who rarely spoke, rarely expressed emotion, who seemed worryingly empty had actually laughed. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d done such a thing! It wasn’t just a chuckle or quirk of the lips. Oh no, it was a head thrown back, hands on hips, eyes squeezed closed laughter. Her attention had immediately been drawn in his direction, mid conversation with Niccolo and Sasha at the sound. She had absolutely delighted in it and the joyous image of him. The corners of her mouth had no trouble lifting in the bliss of the moment, so happy that it was still possible for him to feel some sort of happiness, not matter how fleeting, until she noticed who he was in the company of. And it _wasn’t_ any of their friends.

Her smile dropped instantly at the gaggle of new recruits, female recruits, that surrounded him with blushes on their faces, sparkles in their eyes, giggles falling from their stretched wide lips, and Eren laughing along with them. She understood what those looks meant. She could certainly understand why they would look at him that way. She didn’t blame them. How could she?

As Mikasa lay cocooned in the bed covers, her head clearer than it had been all day, she could ask herself if she was a bad person for not being pleased that Eren could still be potentially happy, no matter in whose company. Was she selfish? Was she a bad friend?

At time, though, all she could feel was the uncomfortable weight that settled in her chest as she reluctantly turned her attention back to Sasha and Niccolo. The weight seemed to spread through her body, pulling her down more and more throughout the day. By the time she was making her way out to chop some fire food, her last chore for the day, Mikasa felt like she was heavier than iron and wondered how she would manage.

In the back of her mind, she knew she was being irrational, highly irrational, but she couldn’t help the perverse pleasure that came with bringing down the heavy axe and splitting the chunks of wood in half, little chips and pieces splintering off violently. The task helped to work off the negative feelings only for her to keep thinking about them. It was a vicious cycle.

She was steadily working her way through the pile, when she turned around to get the next log only to see the object of her thoughts with an axe on his shoulder picking up piece of wood to cut.

“What are you doing here,” she blurted, heart beating quickly in surprise, certainly not expecting to see him there. Eren raised a slow eyebrow at her, glancing at his axe and wood in hand as if it should have been obvious, but answered anyway,

“I came to cut wood.” Mikasa rolled her eyes.

“Yes, I see that. What I mean is, I don’t remember it you being assigned this task today. I thought it was just me.” He shrugged looking off to the side.

“Yeah, well, I completed all my chores and came to give you a hand since you’re normally finished by now. We’ll be done quicker with the two of us.” At his words, she noticed just how low in the sky the sun was.

“Oh…thanks.” He nodded moving to the other chopping block and getting to work. The only sound between them was the hacking apart of wood. While Eren was focused, slicing log after log, Mikasa was distracted, glancing over at him every few seconds, noticing how his arms flexed with each powerful swing of the axe, the sweat forming on his brow wetting his longer, chocolate strands.

But more importantly, he had come to help her finish her chores. He had thought about her. She tried not to blow it out of proportion. It was a perfectly logical thing to do. After all, chopping wood in the dark was not a good practice, but she couldn’t help the glow that had taken the place of the heaviness in her chest. She was sated and happy. It never did take much from him to give her this feeling. Too bad it didn’t last as long as it usually did.

They did, in fact, make quick work of the remaining pile between the two of them and had made several trips to put it all away when the same group of girls from earlier approached the two of them, eyes shifting between each other fighting more giggles and presumably warm cheeks.

“Is there anything we can help you with,” the one in the front with dark brown hair asked, the others nodding in agreement. Before she could even rebuff their offer or spook them away with her rather impressive glare, if she did say so herself, Eren was already dumping his pile of wood between two of them, then taking her share and distributing it too.

“We should be able to grab the last batch. Thanks for the help,” he said with a nod, the girls seeming a little taken aback by the suddenness of it all.

“Are you sure you’ll be able to get the rest,” the same one spoke up again after a brief beat of silence. “We can quickly put this away and –

Mikasa turned on her heel and stalked off to get away before she combusted, not bothering to listen to the rest of the girl’s words or Eren’s response. No, it was better to just leave it all behind, lest they start _laughing_ together again about whatever their little joke was.

She wished _she_ was funny. Then maybe, she could make him smile more often. For the longest time she was so worried about his physical well-being and keeping him alive. Not that she still didn’t, but at least she felt comfortable in his abilities. She trusted him enough to take care of himself. They had each other’s backs in the field.

Emotionally, though, that was tough. Even though she knew she could tell Eren anything, she had never been the best with emotions after her parents – and she didn’t even want to get into the ball of rage and anger _he’d_ been after they had to leave Shiganshina. No, she couldn’t touch that even if she wanted to, and she definitely wanted to, but she was severely lacking in the area. It was no wonder she hadn’t been able to reach him where those normally adjusted girls could.

It was sad and disheartening, but just another situation where she took what she could –

Mikasa found herself being pulled around coming face to face with Eren who was looking more than a little agitated. She remembers when mild agitation would have been a raging inferno and she wasn’t sure which she preferred at this point.

“What was that about,” he questioned, interrupting her thoughts. She shrugged.

“It wasn’t about anything. There’s only one more batch to bring. Either you would follow without them or wait for them and come back together.” She waited as he looked over her face which she hoped was still in her carefully blank expression. He seemed skeptical but moved on anyway.

“I was calling after you.”

“Oh, were you? Sorry, I didn’t hear.”

“You've been pretty distracted today,” he squinted, and she took a step back caught of guard at his sudden, intense scrutiny.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Normally it doesn’t take you long to finish the wood. Even when I came to help, you were still moving pretty slow for you.”

“Um…”

“Is everything alright? You’re not sick are you, because if you are, you need to take better care of yourself and ask for help if you need it.” Mikasa could only blink at him, not expecting the conversation to turn in this direction.

“I’m fine, Eren,” was her eventual reply before making her way to the remaining firewood.

“As a matter of fact, you didn’t even notice when I first approached either.”

“Really, there is nothing wrong with me. I just have a few things on my mind is all,” she sighed, hoping that would be enough for him to drop it. She appreciated his concern, she really did, but this wasn’t something she wanted to share with him, something she knew she shouldn’t share with him.

“I can understand that,” he murmured.

“Yeah, I’ll bet.” She froze, the words coming out of her mouth before she could stop them. Mikasa glanced back at him, hoping that he hadn’t heard. His deadpan expression told her otherwise. A nervous hand came up to tug at her scarf, likely covering the reddening of her face.

“I’m sorry, Eren. I don’t mean to take my bad mood out on you. Let’s just grab this stuff and get back,” she said turning once again to gather most of the remaining wood in her grasp. Standing with full arms, Mikasa noticed he’d yet to move from the spot he stood, looking at her intently once again; and she let him, wondering what the issue could possibly be this time.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what,” she asked confused, mildly surprised as his that he offered to actually talk about anything. He seemed so out of it, so unconcerned these days.

“What’s on your mind,” he replied exasperated, and Mikasa distinctly remembers an ‘ _oh no_ ’ flitting through her thoughts.

“No,” she shook her head. “It’s not important.”

“It is if it makes you this absentminded it must be.”

“It really isn’t.”

“Whatever it is, it's putting you in a bad mood, which means you must be thinking about it a lot, so it must be important to you,” he reasoned.

“Even so,” Mikasa huffed becoming increasingly frustrated. Of all the times he wants to ask what’s on her mind. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Eren looked on contemplatively.

“Would you be willing to speak to Armin about it?”

“Yes,” she answered though it came out more as a question. At the time, she had no idea where this was going, and hindsight made her truly wish she had.

“But you can’t tell me?”

“No. Eren what is this about,” she asked readjusting the load in her arms.

“Why can you tell Armin what’s bothering you, but not me?” Was that a frown on his face? Was he…upset?

“It just wouldn’t interest you is all. I don’t want to bother you when you’ve already got enough to worry about,” she said trying her best to sooth him over and keep her waning patience at his odd persistence.

“Mikasa,” he sighed, disapproval coloring his tone. “You and your feelings are not a bother to me. Just because I’m not particularly interested in something doesn’t mean I’m unwilling to listen to you about it if it matters to you. So, tell me, what is bothering you?”

And those were the words that plummeted everything downhill. She knew better. _She knew better._ But Mikasa let herself be caught anyways. She let warmth of his concern fill her heart, the annoyance that he wouldn’t let it go fill her mind, and the weight of how an innocent group of girls had easily accomplished something that seem like such an impossible task to her fill her body.

“Those girls who offered to help, you were talking to them earlier today.”

“Yeah…”

“What,” she took a breath before she lost her nerve. “What were you talking about with them?”

“What does that have to do with whatever’s on your mind,” he questioned, puzzlement clear. She her eyes roamed the grassy clearing, unable to look him in the face as she whispered,

“You were laughing with them. What were you laughing about?”

“Mikasa –

“Please, Eren,” she implored, her words and tone stopping his argument.

“It – it was just something they’d asked about. I don’t know, it was so outlandish that all I could was laugh. Really it was nothing. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that you don’t _do_ that anymore. You don’t laugh. You haven’t in so long and I – I…nothing.” She’d given in not having the fortitude to push forward, wholly unsure of what she wanted to say, and becoming increasingly discouraged watching his face close up on her.

“No, go ahead. You what,” he prompted. She hadn’t been sure what he was feeling, but he was still willing to continue the line of conversation, so it couldn’t have been bad, right?

“I-I –

“Just say it, Mikasa," he snapped, forcing the words from her.

“I want you to laugh with me,” she declared, the load she held falling to the ground as her arms dropped to her sides. “I want us to smile and laugh together like we used to, but not just like before. I want…I want us to be happy. Together. In the future. Sometimes,” she ventured, “Given everything that’s happened, everything there’s still to do, I wonder if we’ll make it to that point. Being together or having a future, but then I remember your drive to accomplish whatever you set your mind to. And if I believe in anyone, Eren, it’s you,” she smiles nervously down at her scarf, fingers wrapping around the worn fibers. “It makes me want to keep going, not only having your back, but sharing your burdens too.

“You’re the only person whose side I want to remain by forever. Even so, I don’t want to force my desires on you, so I guess I have to know…What am I to you, Eren,” she asked, finally able to meet his eyes with the courage she’s worked up to get the question out.

Thinking back, it was strange as she stood there in front of the boy who had been in her heart for so long. Her innards a swirling abyss of uncertainty; giddiness at being able to be fully truthful with him, something she’d never managed to do outside a life or death situation; anxiety _that she actually bared herself_. Fear of what he might say in response.

The many times she’d imagined such a moment taking place, the worse thing he could ever do was reject her feelings. Sure, she’d had nightmares about the more dreadful ways it could happen, but Eren was too kind to intentionally hurt her. Still, of all the scenarios her mind conjured up, a complete and utter lack of response to her heartfelt confession had never been one of them.

She could take his anger, his awkwardness, his sadness, even stomach his disappointment, but not the stone-cold silence that seemly stretched longer and longer into an eternity, her heart crumbling more with each second under his impassive stare. Even the crisp, autumn air came off sedated, as if holding its breath. Not a single tree rustled, holding hostage the pinks and golds of the setting sun in their branches.

It all, soon, became too much for Mikasa and her eyes brightened with tears. Too mortified at that point, she refused to cry in front of him and willed herself to move. Easily picking her way through fallen logs, she brushed past him, keen to get away and hide herself. She’s not sure if she was relieved he didn’t at least call after her or more saddened at his continued inaction.

Regardless, as she lay in her bed allowing noiseless tears to stream down her cheeks, she just knew the relationship they’d built over the years might be at an end and she wasn’t sure how she would cope. There was no way to take back what was said, her words being much too candid, but if she didn’t figure out how, then it would _really_ be over. The thoughts plagued her until exhaustion took her to sleep.

Hours later, a persistent knocking on her door through the darkness brought her back.

She was more than inclined to ignore it and settle back into her now warm bed, but at the fleeting though that it could be Eren, Mikasa lifted the covers and swung her feet to the chilly floor. Padding over to the door, she wrapped trembling fingers around the door and twisted it open, coming face to face with blue eyes and blond hair.

“Armin.”

“I brought you some food since missed dinner,” he smiles, raising the two napkin-wrapped loafs as offerings. As she stared on, having not expected to see him at all, she hopped the disappointment drowning her heart was not overtly obvious. “Are you going to let me in,” he prompts after more than a few seconds of awkwardly standing around.

“Oh. Yeah.” She pulled the door open. “Let me light the candle.” As he shuts the door behind him, the room flickers to life allowing him to make his way to the tiny table in the corner of the room.

“I appreciate you thinking of me, Armin,” she says quietly while tucking the matchbook back into the bedside table drawer,” but I’m not particularly hungry tonight. Sorry you went through the trouble of lifting food from the cafeteria.”

“Oh, it was nothing,” he waved her off with a chuckle. “Jean did half the work, swiping one from Sasha’s second helping. I’m still not sure how he managed without her seeing, but she was pretty distraught when she noticed it was gone. Is everything alright, Mikasa,” his tone suddenly serious and said girl blinked at his how quickly his demeanor changed.

“Everything’s fine. Why would you think otherwise?”

“You weren’t at dinner and the last time Connie mentioned seeing Eren was when he said he was going to help you finish up the wood chopping.”

“He did,” She answered looking out the window she’d stationed herself by, feeling more than a little unprepared for this conversation, because it’s inevitable direction was obvious and she was feeling too out of sorts, too incoherent to properly shield herself. Not that Mikasa felt she needed protection from _Armin_ , but the heartbreak was still too fresh to pick at.

“He also didn’t show up at dinner, and he also wasn’t hungry when I brought him some food and that was after I managed to find him looking more out of it than usual.”

“He didn’t eat dinner,” she questioned, her protective instincts kicking, but the look Armin gave at her obvious hypocrisy had her backing down immediately.

“What happened, Mik,” and the gentleness in his tone had her jaw tensing, throat closing, fingers gripping her scarf tightly. She dropped head in defeat and whispered,

“I’ve ruined everything, Ar.”

“’What happened,” he asked again, prompting her to recount the painful events that had started at lunch and led her to where she was now. By the time she’d finished, Mikasa tears were splashing to the floor, leaving little splotches to soak into the grains.

“For starters, you’re not bad person. He – Eren _doesn’t_ laugh with us or really anything anymore. A lot of the time he’s just going through the motions and it’s hard to tell if he’s really there, if he’s there with us at all, so it’s ok to feel sad about it. It’s ok to feel sad when it seems like you’ve lost something very important to you.” At his words, her watery gaze was drawn to his figure, taking in the slump of his shoulders and his downtrodden expression that found the ground equally as interesting as she had just a few moments ago. She was rushing over and kneeling in front of him in seconds.

“Oh, Armin, I’m sorry,” she breathed, scrubbing a hand over her face to clear away the wetness. “I was so caught up in my issues that I wasn’t thinking about how it might make you feel.” He shook his head.

“It’s not your fault. I’d feel this way regardless. I’m here to help you right now. Don’t sweat it.”

“Are you sure,” uncertainty lacing the question.

“Yeah. Thanks, though,” his lips quirking upward before returning to their serious line. “What I want to know is what _you_ plan to do now that everything is out in the open?” She winced just hearing the words and sat back, pulling her knees to her chest.

“I don’t know. He didn’t even react, Armin. You should have seen the way he just looked at me. His stare was so blank. Before, I can say without a doubt that he would have reacted at the very least, but now…I’m not sure if I know him anymore. What if that was his new way of saying he no longer wants anything to do with me, that my feelings are a burden? I feel so stupid, Ar,” she muttered, her voice getting smaller and smaller. “I _know,_ or at least _knew,_ how he was. Why couldn’t I have just kept my mouth shut. Why did I have to say anything at all? Why did I let my emotions get the better of me?”

“How long is this pity party going last?”

“Huh,” she looks up at him, her confusion meeting his knowing.

“Mikasa, first off, you’re strong. Not just physically, but emotionally too. You wouldn’t have made it this far if you weren’t. None of us would have. Having emotions isn’t bad and I know you’d prefer not to, but neither is letting them out. Besides, no offense, but you’ve never been good at keeping them in check when it came to Eren, anyway, so don’t beat yourself up about it.

“Second, believe it or not, this whole,” he waves his hand around the air, “Confession thing was bound to happen sooner or later. The only question was which one of you would get yourself together enough to do it first. My money was on you, by the way, so thanks for that.”

“Wait, what do you mean which one of us would do it it first?”

“I meant it exactly as I said it.”

“Armin,” she warned at the know-it-all smirk he was wearing.

“Okay, okay. Look, Eren is dense by nature. He still is, but he’s getting better and I’d posit that eventually he would have been perceptive enough to understand your feelings for him without having to be told. Maybe. Not only that, but he’d eventually realize his feelings for you as well.”

“Realize his…what _feelings_ are you referring to? I don’t understand. Eren doesn’t have any feelings for me that are any different from the ones he has for everyone else.”

“You haven’t noticed, but he’s always treated you differently,” Armin said as if it was totally obvious causing Mikasa to blush at the implications.

“No, he hasn’t,” she argued. “Unless you’re counting when he always got so angry anytime I tried to help him, even when it was necessary, but he was more than willing to accept it from anyone other than,” the increasing edge in her tone didn’t go unnoticed by her guest.

“Yes, but look at it another way and ask yourself _why_ he acted that way towards you, barring your overprotective moments, of course and not towards others.”

“Why? Because he was envious of my strength.”

“He was also envious of Reiner’s strength and he had no problem accepting his help,” he pointed out.

“And look where that got him,” she snarked.

“He was envious of Reiner’s strength the same way he was envious of Annie’s which is different from the way he was envious of yours. Yes, traitors, I know. The point is that his feelings for _you_ are different. therefore, he does not treat you as he does everyone else, his reactions will not be the same. Eren reacted the same towards Reiner and Annie’s strength because he saw them the same way. It may not seem like it, but that means something coming from him

“I’ve known him longer than they have, so any variances in treatment would make sense looking at things in that light. It doesn’t mean anything special. Besides I think, his view of me helping and protecting him was…deeper than what I think you’re trying to get at.”

“I’m not saying it was the _only_ reason, but okay. How about when we were kids. He never wanted you to go anywhere without him, even if it was just with me. As a matter of fact, Eren didn’t even want to introduce us for the first two weeks you came to live with him.”

“He was just being considerate given the situation.”

“And after he knew you could take care of yourself?”

“You know he didn’t like staying cooped up in the house and when he didn’t want to go do chores or to the market, Aunt Carla would force him to come. He complained for the first ten minutes, at least.”

“He complained for the sake of complaining and just to hear you say that you wanted him to stay with you after telling him he could leave if it really troubled him so much because his griping made you feel bad.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Fine. What about your secret hideout?”

“Th-that’s nothing special either,” she flushed.

“A place for only the two of you where even _I_ wasn’t welcome? A place I only found out about because Eren accidentally let it slip one day? That’s not special,” he deadpanned.

“I didn’t know Eren wouldn’t let you come. You should have told me.” He waved her concern away.

“I mean, he never actually invited me, but he never said I wasn’t allowed to come either. I saw it for what it was: a place for _just the two of you_ ,” he teased.

“It wasn’t like that,” she stammered becoming increasingly flustered. “I wasn’t used to the constant noise of Shiganshina, and he just wanted to help, so he found somewhere that I could have a bit of peace. That’s it. He was just being kind like he always is. Nothing more, nothing less.” Mikasa watched Armin watch her for a few beats until his lips twisted forming a wry smile.

“You don’t believe me, and I can’t convince you,” he sighed in resignation. “That’s fine, I guess. You should hear about these things from him, anyway. But Mikasa, please believe me when I say this.” He leaned forward, resting his hands on either her shoulders, looking directly into her eyes.

“There is nothing you could ever say or do to Eren that will make him stop wanting you near. It doesn’t matter how far he closes himself in or how far away he seems, that will never change. That being said, a lot has happened and I’m sure, despite his near constant blank stares, that there’s a lot on his mind. You need to remind him that he can’t get along without you, that he’ll never _want_ to get along without you.”

“I’m not sure if I know how to do that, Ar,” she muttered looking down at her entwined fingers. “How do I convince someone of that if I might not know who they are anymore?”

“Trust your gut, Mika. It hasn’t led you astray yet, has it?”

“No, it hasn’t.

“Then you have everything you need.” He nodded as if confirming it to himself before getting to his feet. “Eat at least one of those, please,” he gestured to the rolls on the table and made his way to the door. As he pulled it open, Mikasa stopped him.

“Armin?”

“Yeah,” he answer turning to look at her over his shoulder.

“You know you’re the best friend anyone could ask for, right.” He flushed at the compliment, a playful smile light his features.

“Well if that’s the case, I’ll tell you that you might want to wash your face and before Sasha retires for the night, or there will be more questions and less food.”

“Oh, get out,” she smiled.

“Later, Mikasa.” Then he was gone. She stood as the door closed and made her way to the small table and taking his advice before her roommate came. If Armin was right, and he was with most things, then she could do this. She could fix whatever thing there was between her and Eren. Feeling a bit more hopeful, she quickly scarfed down her food and rushed to the bathroom to clean herself up. She could do this. _She would do this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it would be interesting to switch who was asking the "What am I to you" question around and I also wanted to get more in touch with Mikasa's character and better at writing her. Also, while I used jealousy as a plot device, I felt that was a bit contrived, so I tried to lean hard into they why's of it rather than who was involved. At this point, she more mature and secure where she stands with Eren. Hopefully it came across that way. Anyway writing this was fun, especially since it's different from the things I've been working on. Six more to go!
> 
> Let me know you thoughts. Thanks for reading and see you next time!


	2. Six: Huh?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren already had ninety-nine problems, so what was one more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eremika Week 2020 Day 6...lol
> 
> Just a little FYI if this seems familiar. I posted this under my other penname on Fanfiction.net, but I have no desire to actually connect the accounts. Please enjoy!

Eren’s body automatically tensed when light cascaded into the darkened pantry, soft footsteps letting him know that someone had entered the small room. He knew no one could possibly see him sitting all the way against the back wall amongst the sacks upon sacks of potatoes, but he still scrunched himself down, breath stopping in his lungs, waiting for whoever it was to get what they came for and leave. Annoyance flared to life as the door closed with a quiet click, but the gentle flickering of a candle remained.

You had to be fucking kidding him. If Sasha thought she was going to have a late-night meal, then she had another –

“I know you’re in here, Eren.” He froze, any thoughts of retribution against Sasha’s appetite coming to a swift halt. “I saw you come in here,” the voice continued after a few moments with no response. “It’s just me. Come out so we can talk.” The man in question weighed his limited options. Either continue pretending he wasn’t there to make them come look for him on the minuscule chance that he remained hidden or just reveal himself and get it over with. There really was no question.

He remained stubbornly quiet and kept his eyes forward as the light came closer, Armin’s shadowed form coming to stand over him. The sigh that came from his best friend was a loaded one and did nothing but make his chest tighten, all opposition fading away. He waited as his guest settled down in front of him, placing the candle in between them. The silence stretched on, but he wouldn’t be speaking first.

“Is everything okay, Eren,” Armin started slowly. Looking up at his friend, Eren quirked an eyebrow as if to say ‘is that what you’re really here for?’ “I haven’t seen you around much lately and well, you seem to have picked up the habit of hiding in this closet. What’s going on?” As if he didn’t know, and of course he’d figured him out despite the heavy deliberation he went through when choosing this space as his go-to hiding spot. He had made sure to be so careful whenever he came, but he wasn’t careful enough he supposes.

“Cut the bullshit, Armin,” he said tiredly, spine sagging against the hard wall behind him. “I know you know. I know she told you. You would have found a way to intervene a lot sooner otherwise.”

“Alright, you got me,” he admitted with a simple nod of his head, “but I was genuinely asking if you were alright. I…don’t think I’ve seen you quite like this before.” Was he alright? Eren gave a halfhearted shoulder shrug, glancing off into the darkness around them. “Okay, well you know this is crazy, right,” Armin offered in that matter of fact way of his, and Eren couldn’t help the sad laughter that bubbled from him. Did he know this was crazy? Of course, he did.

When Eren looked back on his life, the lengths that he’d gone through to avoid Mikasa would not be considered among his proudest moments, of that he was sure; he was also sure that many of his fellow soldiers would disagree with him if he said that three meals a day was three too many and sure, he didn’t really believe that but fuck if it wasn’t damn near impossible to steer clear of her during the day if he had to see her regularly at mealtime. Three times a day. Three.

Cue arriving at the mess hall as early as possible in an attempt to get his food first and eat as quickly as feasible or better yet, sneak out with his food without being noticed at all. When sneaking out didn’t work, it meant either ‘making new friends’ by sitting with new recruits and other soldiers or finding a spot at their table that wasn’t his usual one next to Mikasa. He was counting on the fact that she wouldn’t bring the issue up in front of their friends, and she didn’t, but it was made obvious that something was going on between them by her pointed looks which he steadfastly ignored. Sometimes, he chose not to eat at all because getting away from those times was beyond difficult, though he always somehow managed.

Then there were the daily chores, and luckily for him, there was always something that someone didn’t want to do. That made it so much easier for him to trade if he was assigned to a task with her or take assignments that meant having to travel off the grounds. It was more than relieving not always having to check over his shoulder, the pit of his stomach an anxious swirl of wondering whether she would or wouldn’t pop up to help him finish his work faster when it felt like he was taking too long to get it done.

And don’t get him started on asking Levi-Heichou for one on one ass beatings after group training ended. This past week, he was more tired, bruised, and sore then he could ever remember being despite the quick work his healing abilities made of any injuries. He just knew the captain took a sadistic pleasure in making his face and backside greet the earth on so many occasions, but still, he welcomed the feeling of being so tired that he just fell into bed.

Falling asleep wasn’t the best escape by any means. Actually, getting to sleep was hard enough and when he did, protecting himself from the storm of memories that weren’t his was practically a lost cause; but he knew how to deal with it after the fact, so the company in his head was the lesser evil to having free time where she could probably corner him.

Boy, did she try to corner him.

Every turn he took, she was there waiting for him, quickly making him turn the other way ducking through people, darting into empty rooms, or just plain speeding away all the while trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. He’d even gone as far as climbing out of a second-floor window without any gear. He was both grateful for his regeneration capabilities and pleased at himself for being able to avoid a persistent Mikasa who seemed to have set her mind on speaking to him.

The feeling never lasted because the reason why he was going to such lengths always spoiled any sense of triumph. No, this will definitely not go down as a proud time in his life and he more than knew it was crazy, but he couldn’t bring himself to say that to Armin who was watching him expectantly, so he simply replied with,

“Yes, I know it’s not the…best way to deal with this.”

“Do you plan on doing anything different like, I don’t know, talking to her,” Armin posited, making Eren exhale long and slow, his lungs feeling like they were rolled over by a heavy laden cart when there was no air left in them. It wasn’t like he _wanted_ this. “You’re going to have to say something eventually. You can’t exactly avoid her forever.”

“I know.” He didn’t want to avoid her forever. He didn’t want to do it now, and her absence was felt starkly despite it being his own doing.

“So you’ve at least given some thought to how you’re going to respond to her, then?” He had, but not in the way his best friend was thinking. As in he’d planned to pretend it didn’t happen. A poor decision on his part, he realized that now, but he honestly didn’t have the mind to do anything else.

When she ran away after _that_ , he had been relieved. It gave him space to breathe, time to think, to process, to come to the decision that it would be better for the both of them if they just forgot this happened. There would be no future for them. He no longer had a future to give anyone, let alone one to give her.

Except that when he saw her next his body froze up, heart thudding in his chest, blood pounding in his ears, his brain thinking all the things it had been forbidden to think about her like someone gave it permission to spout poetry or some shit about how her hair shined, reflecting the colors of the early morning sun. He refused to believe that was one of his own thoughts and not someone else’s. To make matters worse, when Mikasa noticed him she was walking over with a determination that couldn’t have meant anything good for him; so like the fucking coward only she could make him, he turned tail and ran.

It seemed to have worked that time, but it certainly didn’t fly after which was how he found himself frequenting this food closet. Apparently, acting like it didn’t happen meant avoiding her like she had a sickness. Again, it was a really bad idea and it wasn’t even like it was a conscious decision at first. It just happened, and he wasn’t actively trying to stop. Eren supposed it served him right to be a paranoid mess as a result.

These past few days he was just a walking, talking ball of churning disquietude going from dazed and confused to overwhelmed and panicking to frustrated and angry every time his mind played back that – that conversation, confession, whatever it was.

And his mind liked to replay the scene often, focusing on how spacey Mikasa had been in the beginning to how uncharacteristically squirmy she’d gotten when he tried to ask her about said spaciness, to her shy smile and impassioned words, to – to…a face she hadn’t made at him in a long time.

He couldn’t turn it the fuck off.

In the span of maybe five minutes, over three years’ worth of hard work was cracking faster than he could repair it. The effort that went into pushing, stomping, and forcing his emotions down so he could breathe, get up every morning, and make it through the day was now so strained and failing that it felt like it would all come rushing out at any moment.

At eighteen years old, Eren had more on his shoulders than he knew what to do with at most times and pretending like the problem wasn’t there was one of the only ways he could cope. Except this was different. While his demons were normally in his head, Mikasa was a constant physical presence, reminding him of what he was running from every time his eye fell upon her. There was no pretending _she_ didn’t exist. She was always there just as she always had been, and that was part of the problem. It was a problem he was nowhere near finding a solution to, let alone speaking to her about.

“Not necessarily,” he answered.

“Well in these situations there’s normally two outcomes to this type of scenario. The confessor’s feelings are either accepted or rejected.”

“You don’t have to tell me this. I know,” Eren interrupted exasperated, but Armin continued on pointedly saying,

“Then you have to enter the conversation of if the relationship is strong enough to survive being rocked by rejection or if it’s forever fractured, never to be the same again.”

“Why are you saying dramatic shit like that,” he bit out, deep-rooted kindles flaring to life from within. “Of course, that’s not going to happen!”

“Mikasa thinks otherwise.” And just like that he was doused with a cold bucket of reality. He wanted to argue, dispute it, say that she was fine, but he knew it was the truth. The guilt weighed heavily on him only increasing its poundage when he caught a glimpse of her on the ffith day of his dodging game. Mikasa who rarely wore her emotions was so obviously distressed and it was all his fault. Suffice to say it became obvious to Eren that he hadn’t gotten good at keeping away like he foolishly thought. He wasn’t seeing her at all because _she_ was hiding from him, making herself scarce because she thought he didn’t want her around.

“Sorry, that was uncalled for,” Armin apologized, eyes resting abashedly on the flame of the candle. “I’m not trying to guilt you or make you feel bad or take sides. I know you’re not doing this purposefully, at least I don’t think you are, but...”

“No, no. I get it. I can’t break her heart any more than I already have,” his calm tone not belying his inner turmoil. “And you only _think_ I wouldn’t,” he questioned not quite able to help the hurt that seeped into those words. Did Armin really think he would intentionally make Mikasa feel like this? The way his best friend rubbed the back of his neck and wouldn’t meet his eyes spoke volumes.

“Look,” he began heatedly only to be interrupted.

“No, I don’t really think that, Eren, but you’re not the same as before, not that people don’t change, but you’re distant these days,” he muttered, folding his arms around his knees. A defensive position. He felt like he needed to protect himself from _him_? “I don’t really know what’s going on in that head of yours, not anymore.”

Mikasa had said something along those lines and now Armin wasn’t sure if he meant them ill or not. Had he really been so absent that they thought he wasn’t there with them anymore, that they felt they no longer knew him? The thought had him tightly squeezing his hands together in his lap.

He was trying to figure out a solution for them. For all of them so they could actually live lives, so they wouldn’t have to fight a war forever, so they wouldn’t have to continue to watch one another die, but…Eren guesses they didn’t know that, not fully. It’s not like he’d been very telling and straightforward with them. It’s not like he can be. They wouldn’t understand, but, how could they? They didn’t know all the things he knew. None of them did and what a damn lonely feeling it was.

He once again found his energy leaving him. It came and went so easily these days, the feeling of it draining away was almost soothing. It was so consistent in its occurrences that it became a companion of sorts, almost more so than his actual friends, and what an alarming realization that was. He’d been so distracted by keeping the array of eventualities from his mind that he was keeping his friends out as well, making room for things that took up more space than they ever should have been allowed. His comrades must be feeling neglected, unappreciated, but that wasn’t the case at all.

“What a mess,” he murmured to himself, a hand running through his locks at the troubling thoughts.

“It’s not that bad, you can fix this. Mikasa will never hate you or not forgive you,” Armin tried to comfort him, thinking he was referring to the reason they were talking in a small darkened room surrounded by copious amounts of potatoes. “You just need somewhere to start.”

“What,” Eren startled at the seemingly random words.

“Well, you know you need to speak to her eventually, but you haven’t given much thought of what you’re going to tell her,” he explained before stopping uncertainly, ducking his head when he was met with a blank stare and rapid blinking. “I…I think you first need to figure out how you feel about her.”

Was he going to work this out on his own? He hadn’t been doing too hot of a job as it was, and time seemed to be running out like it was with everything else. Armin was the only person who could claim to know Mikasa nearly as well as he did, and he was also better with _feelings_.

“Okay,” he nodded slowly, deciding to go with his friend’s advice since he couldn’t possibly make this worse. “I already know how I feel about her. What’s next.”

“Next, you need to – wait, what?”

“What, what?”

“You already know how you feel about her?”

“Yes. Why are you looking at me like I’ve said something screwy.”

“I’m not,” he defended running a hand over his fringe to flatten it to his forehead.

“You are.”

“No, I’m – you know what? It doesn’t matter.” He paused for a long moment before continuing, “What does matter is how you’re going to tell her you feel the same way.”

“If only it were that easy,” Eren sighed somewhat hopelessly before noticing the sly smile on Armin’s face. “Why are you…you bastard,” he huffed realizing he’d been very easily conned, almost embarrassingly so, into giving up information he was hoping to keep close to his chest. Still, he couldn’t help the twitch of his lips as the object of his irritation burst into amused laughter at the name calling.

“Sorry, sorry,” he quaked trying to calm his snickering.

“No, you’re not.”

“I’m not, but I wouldn’t have gotten you to admit it freely otherwise.” Eren shrugged as if to say ‘maybe, maybe not.’ He also diligently ignored the disbelieving eyebrow he got in return. “I have to admit though, I didn’t expect this to be something _you_ would give thought to on your own.”

“When you suddenly have an expiration date it’s surprising how much time you give to things that can no longer be yours,” He answered quietly, giving the floor a wry smile. Did he want to spill this one secret that he kept hidden under the rest? Would it help fix the rift he’d made between him and his friend if he shared one of the few things inside him that was of no consequence to anyone but himself? Did he want to do this? The mere thought of getting this off his chest – anything off his chest was a welcome one, but there was so much, almost too much to even think about where to begin; so Eren just opened his mouth and let the words fall out.

“I know a lot of soldiers, probably all of them, have thought about life after the war or after the titans at some point or another. I never did that. At least, not in detail. I thought worrying about things like that was frivolous and foolish. I figured there would be time to do all that afterwards. The present focus should have always been staying alive and figuring out how to win. If I just worked hard and fought and destroyed all our enemies, there would be an after; but the enemies and problems keep coming, the answers are becoming more and more elusive, and well, five years left to live doesn’t seem like much of a future with all that’s going on.

“It didn’t come to me suddenly like some sort of all-consuming epiphany or any of that sappy shit I’ve heard before, but I wondered if I had enough time to finish this fight. I wondered if there would be enough time to see the world. I wondered which part I would like enough to maybe build a house and live peacefully after I’d finally finished my service. I wondered what I would do to earn money, and I realized there wasn’t much I knew how to do outside the military, so then I wondered what I would actually want to do as an occupation.

“I mean, dad was a doctor, and I’m sure there’s plenty of that knowledge churning around somewhere up here,” he tapped his temple. “It would still be helping people after all, but I don’t know. I never really came to a conclusion on that one or any of it really. The one thing I am sure of, though, is that in all that wondering and imagining about where my life could go, Mikasa was always there by my side.

“At first I didn’t think anything of it. When I did realize it, I thought it was just because she was always there, so my mind just automatically placed her there, but maybe she wouldn’t want to do the things I wanted to do. I’ve never asked her what she planned to do after her service, so I tried to cut her out. I wasn’t going to force what I desired on her, imaginary or not.

“To my surprise, it was harder said than done. I constantly found her creeping up in the distance, just around the corner, walking alongside me in my peripheral. It was in complete frustration that I determined that I couldn’t make her go away because _I didn’t want her to go away._ I counted on Mikasa being there with me, hoped she would be with me.

“It’s amazing how the mind kind of works and twists up things to make them seem so logical because I found myself thinking she never wanted to join the military anyway, so of course she wouldn’t stay. She only joined so we could stay together, so surely, she would want to stay together afterwards. Perhaps we could even figure out what to do with each other.

“Once I decided that, it was all downhill from there. The exploring and seeing all the wonders we’d read about in your books suddenly had a new life, a vibrancy to it because she was there voluntarily. Building a home was a lot more interesting when thinking about the things she would want in it. Having an occupation meant coming home and seeing her there every day. Seeing her happy in the vegetable garden she would grow like the one she had with her parents.

“Would you believe me if I told you that even after all of that, I still didn’t quite fully realize what I was feeling,” Eren laughed emptily. “I had created all of this _in my head_ and didn’t know we were living the life of a happily married couple until – until…,” he swallowed thickly at the clear, crisp, completely unfair image in his eyes. “I didn’t truly understand until there was a kid in the picture.”

“Eren…”

“I know. I know. A whole freaking person that was both me and Mikasa. Objectively, you think about kids in the future, like of course I’ll have some, but it’s not always clear with who or what they will look like. In that moment, it was so real. It seemed so natural not to just want those things but want them with _her_.

“I kind of freaked out at first too. This is the girl who I’ve known half of my life now, who has always tried to protect me, one of my best friends, although, now, I don’t know if I ever saw her as just a friend. I think it’s always been different. Long story short, I came to terms with it because it wasn’t like she saw me as more than family and that was good enough for me. Even as family, I could stay with her until I died.” Except it was looking less and less likely that he would even get that. There had to be another way he hadn’t figured out yet. “So now you know. The cat’s out of the bag or whatever,” he finished, shoving the encroaching negative thoughts aside.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were having that hard a time with this.”

“Don’t be sorry. I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want to know myself. I should be used to it by know, but things change when you least expect them to,” he trailed off bitterly.

“I know we haven’t had the best experiences with ‘change’ by a long shot, but you say it as though this one is a bad thing. You know for sure that Mikasa doesn’t see you as just family,” Armin puzzled only to receive silence in return. “You _do_ think it’s a bad thing. That’s why you’ve been avoiding her,” he breathed.

As expected, Armin was probably the best and worst person to speak with about this. The best because of his outside perspective and the fact that there was no one Eren trusted more. The worst not only because he was smart enough to figure things out, but because he _knew_ _him_ well enough to correctly guess the problem and had no qualms saying it to him. Not that he was going to leave much for his best friend to work out.

Evidently, letting the words just fall out didn’t stop at what he wanted to say. With his unbidding words came a strange bubbling feeling in the pit of his stomach. All those _emotions_ , the anger and frustration, and heartbrokenness. What a lousy fucking end of the stick he always always _always_ got! The distressed boy stood suddenly, seemingly not from his own volition, and Armin had to steady the candle between them to avoid it tumbling over and causing an incident they didn’t want.

“Don’t you see, Armin! Without fail, Mikasa has constantly been with me. She has had my back when I made stupid decisions, when I was too weak to help myself, when I thought I _couldn’t_ help myself. She was there – is here now; but there’s no way I can – I can’t always be there for her, definitely not in a way that counts anymore. Apparently, I’m doing a shitty job of it now anyway.”

He distantly felt his eyes watering as his chest heaved at the excess of adrenaline running through him, hands grabbing at his brown strands. He couldn’t be there for her or any of them because he was going to die in five years. Of course, she’d feel the same way. It was almost cruel that the possibility of having all the things he didn’t know he wanted until it was too late was presented to him on a red, scarf-tied platter. It was cruel because he knew it would hurt her more when it inevitably ended. He was going to die and leave her.

The more fucked up part about it was that he selfishly couldn’t bring himself to deny her either, to lie and say he didn’t feel the same way or want the same things. So, he didn’t say anything at all. He ran away just like she had on that day. Sure, it hurt her, but wasn’t it better to start the separation process now rather than later? He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Eren, you need to breathe.”

“I am breathing,” he snapped at the blue eyes that came into his vision.

“You need to _calm_ your breathing,” Armin stated and Eren realized he was too upset. He was letting too much out. His lips parting, he took a large gulp of air and began to break it all apart into tiny pieces and separating them so they couldn’t reform without permission. Buckle it down and put it all away. Shove it back into the boxes.

Soon, he found his breathing evening out, his heart rate steadying, and his stomach empty. He curled his trembling fingers into fists, trying to will away their tiny movements. He had done this a million times before and doing it now was almost nothing.

“Are you good?”

“Yeah. Sorry about that,” he apologized as the numbness he’d grown so accustomed to set in.

“No, don’t be sorry. It’s something that’s hard to cope with and you haven’t had time to grieve…with all that’s happening. I’m sorry I can’t do anything to help besides listen, but I can understand a little. Your shoes will be mine soon enough, I’m guessing.”

“Armin…” It was a testament to how bad a friend he’d been lately if he’d somehow forgotten that his friends days were numbered too.

“Don’t feel bad about that either. It’s not like I’m the one with other people’s heads in my own,” he said almost nonchalantly as he reached down to pick up the candle and sit it down on a nearby crate. Eren, to his shame, couldn’t tell if his friend was being truthful or not, but he sounded sincere enough, so he simply placed a tanned hand on the shoulder of Armin’s blue button up and gave it a squeeze before letting it fall back to his side.

“I don’t know what it is that you see,” Armin started, “and I know it’s affecting you more than you let on. We all do, but that doesn’t mean we think you haven’t been there for us. It’s just concerning to see you like this.”

“I don’t want you guys to bother being concerned about me.”

“Well that’s just too bad and most definitely will never happen, so you can give up on any hope of that. And stop interrupting me with nonsense,” he wagged a chastising finger before continuing. “What I’m trying to say is that we, Mikasa included, know the limitations that have been placed on you and she doesn’t want or expect any more than you can give.”

_You’re the only person who’s side I want to remain by forever._

“That’s not what she said.”

“You probably misunderstood. Tell me what she said.”

“For –

“Not all of it, just the gist.”

“I wasn’t,” he huffed crossing his arms, but they slacken at the resurgence of the memory of Mikasa’s smile glowing in the light of the setting sun, the warmest halo surrounding her. “Forever,” he whispered with her in his eyes. “She said forever.”

“Eren,” Armin said gently, tugging his attention back. “Forever is what you make it.”

“What does that even mean? Forever is forever,” he stated with furrowed eyebrows.

“It _means_ that you’re thinking like you’re already dead.”

“I’m not.”

“You are but listen. I won’t be telling you what to do. This is something you have to figure out on your own. Maybe I’ve already said more than I should have, but I care about both of you and want you guys to find some happiness in this world. What better way than with each other, but I’m completely biased, and this has nothing to do with me. So it might be best if I didn’t say anything more on the matter like I planned to.” With that, Armin plucked up the candle and begin picking his way through potatoes, crates, and various foodstuffs to get to the door.

Wait, was that it? Eren was quickly moving behind his friend, cursing as his foot caught the corner of a crate. He hopped and stumbled so as to not lose his balance and completely bite the dust, managing to grab his target by the elbow just as the door was being pushed open.

“Is that really all you have to say,” he asked, disbelief clear in his tone.

“I think I’ve said plenty enough to help you figure this thing out.”

“You’ve said plenty? You didn’t even tell me what came after determining how I felt. Hell, _I_ did most of the talking,” was his incredulous reply. Before any argument could be had, a head popped up from the far side of the island in the middle of the kitchen.

“It was you two in there the whole time?”

“Who’s there?

“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for whoever was in there to come out! I’m completely starved,” Sasha complained walking in range of the candlelight with a hand rubbing at her stomach. “I thought they assigned someone to keep watch inside because I wasn’t careful enough about the extras I was taking. And speaking of which, what were you guys doing in there? Swiped anything good?”

The two boys could only watch as she bounced on the tips of her toes, waiting for a reply. Armin broke first dissolving into laughter as Eren simply shook his head. He knew she’d be here eventually. It was wonder that their paths hadn’t intersected already with how much they both frequented the location recently.

“Don’t ever change, Sash.”

“Why change perfection,” she said with a wink and smirk. “But seriously though, if you’re not going to share with the class then move aside so I can help myself. I’ll even pretend I didn’t catch that part about figuring out how you feel.” He rolled his eyes at her wagging eyebrows.

“Yeah, yeah, we’re going. C’mon, Ar. Later, Sasha.”

“Night, Sash.”

“Night,” she sang, closing the cupboard door behind her with a bounce in her step, leaving the two to make their way from the building and across the dark grounds to the men’s barracks. The crunch of their boots on the dirt and gravel was the only sound between them on their trek. Armin nodded to the stragglers they passed along the way and Eren just stared at the moon, coming to a stop once their destination was in sight.

“I’m just going to…” he gestured vaguely off to the side, but his companion understood all the same.

“Try not to stay out all night again. You should get some sleep at some point.” Of course, he’d noticed.

“Yeah, alright,” he found himself agreeing before giving a brief wave.

And then he wanders, letting his feet take him wherever they want to go with him just enjoying the quiet of the night as he moves further away from the base’s activity. The concentrated silence of his mind was welcomed after the somewhat taxing conversation with Armin. Even though he’d went too far and had that subsequent awkward feeling that came with talking about one’s feelings, it was heartening to talk to someone, to tell someone how he felt. It almost didn’t matter that the whole thing was still unhelpful in getting him to a conclusion that would fix whatever this situation was.

Just like he hadn’t wanted to let Mikasa go in his daydreams, he didn’t want to let her go now. But why couldn’t he make himself reject her outright instead of going through this madness? Even if she didn’t now, one day she would understand what he meant if he said no, if he told her it was better if they stayed like they were. He had never been one to shy away from his problems before. Sure, a lot of the circumstances had changed in his life, but was now really so different? Had he let himself be changed by his unwanted recollections that drastically?

Did he even know – how to fucking walk! Eren let out a string of curses as he tripped over something heavy, barely managing to catch himself before saying hello to the ground again. Turning around to see what he’d faltered on, he spotted the shining, moonlit blade of an axe on the ground. Well that was just dangerous and negligent! Who just left an axe lying…he suddenly stopped, recognizing where he was. His eyes flitted to the nearby tree line, to the cutting stump, and so much for wandering aimlessly.

Eren kicked the toe of his boot into the dirt, roughly shoving his hands deep into his pockets. He wishes she hadn’t said it. Even though he would have seen right through it, he wishes she had lied. Being here now, it’s easy to look back and see that it was his own fault for forcing her after she’d repeatedly refused, but he couldn’t seem to help it when those cadets asked him that positively _ludicrous_ question about her and Armin just earlier in the same day.

Who just had the gall to go up asking strangers something so personal about their friends? It was stupid and made him wonder if he really had as good a grasp on his emotions as he believed. Then again, he’d been completely blindsided. How could he have known what would be on her mind of all the things it could have possibly been?

_“I want us to be happy. Together. In the future…”_

_“Sometimes…I wonder if we’ll make it to that point. Being together or having a future…”_

Eren could easily see Mikasa across from him, the initial confusion he’d felt at her words playing in his mind, because of course, she was going to have those things. He was going to make sure of it if it was the only thing he did before leaving this world.

_“…if I believe in anyone, Eren, it’s you…”_

Before, he was so focused on figuring out what she was trying to say that he didn’t pay much attention to when she said that, but in hindsight, he wished he had. Knowing that she trusted him, believed in him more than she did anyone else touched him immensely. It wasn’t like he thought she didn’t, but hearing those words from Mikasa, so sincere in her soft, reassuring voice…it infected him. It made him itch and squirm and want to jump. It made him want to move, do _something_. The way his insides shown warm and brilliant at the memory of it was just insane.

Even though it didn’t evoke the feelings in him then that it did now, that was when he realized that she meant being by each other’s side in a different way than they’d expressed to each other before. It wasn’t like her following him into the military, the scouting regiment, following him into danger every time he’d been kidnapped, headlong into the middle of the fight. And that’s why she’d asked that question.

_“What am I to you?”_

He really had been caught off guard. So much so that he couldn’t even muster a response. Not even a ‘Huh?’ to get some clarification, not that he needed any at that point. While he was relieved she ran, he also felt guilty about it too. He could only imagine how shitty it was to be on the other end of that. He really had made a mess of this.

Mikasa wanted to know what she was to him? Everything. Everything he’d ever wanted. Everything he would never be able to have. Everything he couldn’t bring himself to let go of. She was everything.

Eren chuckled ruefully and decided he’d been standing there like a dumbass for long enough. He briefly considered turning back and going to bed like he promised since this walk was doing nothing to help him find an answer to his dilemma, but he moved towards the tree line instead. Better to think in circles with his body moving rather than lying restlessly in bed with nothing but Connie’s snores as company. No thank you.

Paying attention to his surroundings this time, he meandered down the trodden footpath, the moon lighting his way as he went. How long had they been at this base, yet he still didn’t know the area as well as he should? The point was immediately proven correct when he happened upon a clearing very unlike the one he’d just left. This one had tall grass and flowers scattered throughout. It wasn’t particularly big, and it only took a few strides for him to cross it, stopping in front of a tree that grabbed his attention and drew him over.

Crouching down, his eyes roved over the large, dark opening at the base of the trunk. It was strange. For all the time he spent worrying about the future, he spent even more in memories of the past. It was not an unfamiliar feeling that came over him as two children, huddled comfortably together in the hole, faded into existence. Eren was gladdened by the fact that this was a reminiscence of his own, the two forms taking on his and Mikasa’s images. Glancing behind him he could see rain falling on lush greenery, the soothing sound overtaking the insects of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Lays down Snow White style and just breathes at the ceiling.* This chapter was so hard to write...As a commenter once told me, Eren is just a "multi-layered clusterfuck" of emotions, and I really felt that when writing this chapter trying to balance it all. I hope it came off well and not as all over the place. I'll definitely reread it, and see once I've taken a step back for awhile.
> 
> I know this was supposed to feature a "Huh?" moment as per the theme of this day, and while I did have one planned, it didn't stay in the final product, so I barely managed to shoehorn it in at the end. If you caught it, great! If not, also cool. The next chapter shouldn't be nearly as complicated (lol, I say that to myself but...). I will see you then! Five more to go!
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think!


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